Friday, June 22, 2012

I'm a mess. I broke up with Ryan.  I've been going all day eating about 300 calories and then binging at the end of the day.  THATS a way to get fat.  But at least I know i can go all day on so little food. So i just need to eat less at the end of the day also. What if i tried just 3 bites of food every ... 2 hours?  so like
8:00 3 bits
11:00 3 bites
2:00 3 bites
5:00 3 bites
8:00 3 bites
11:00 3 bites

at least then i feel like i'm eating a lot and it would keep my metabolism up. I'll try it tomorrow. so tired of being fat. guys treat me like shit.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Weight: 161

At least I didn't gain weight after my binges.  OK here we go.  New diet:

Breakfast:  low calorie cereal (such as special K).
Lunch:  salad
Snack:  half wheat bagel with margarine
Dinner:  whatever I can fit into my small red bowl

And...as many fruits/veg as I want.

Ryan slept over two days in a row.  We had a good time together... he's less quiet.  He says i'm easy to talk to.  And I really, really...really....like him...   He's a deputy btw.. so real handcuffs :)


me at wk. I love the lighting in their bathroom....

Friday, June 8, 2012

Weight: 161

back to the old 160s.  serves me right...i've been very bad for a long while. I'm surprised that number isn't higher.  Not anymore...I'm going to hold myself accountable on this blog.
So I think Ryan does like me...he certainly does show it.  He just doesn't talk a lot...but he said he feels comfortable with me without having to talk a lot.  I guess that's how he is.  It makes me feel more comfortable knowing i'm not being judged for not talking so much...because i'm quiet too.  He's lucky he's cute...tall... mature.. and other things... :)  And...Josh went on a date last night.  I haven't heard from him since...although it is only 7 AM.  If nothing else at least he is distracted.  I hope he finds someone. I know its quite a loss for me..but we continued to break up for a reason.  A great smile and fun personality ...and how he loves me...sometimes doesn't make up for the fact that I just can't respect him anymore.  That's a big one.

I'm not sure what to eat for breakfast.  All of the cereals we have have too many weight watchers points.  Eggs have no fiber and thus, lots of weight watchers points.  I just want food food...screw breakfast.  But still too many points.  Its hard to control my eating when I have work... not that I eat a lot at work but I definitely feel like eating everything in the house after work.  Just so tired and hungry.  Not sure what to do about that.  And FYI, I work at a bakery. But I don't eat the product...thank god I'm not a huge sweet fan.  If it was a pizza place i'd be fucked.  mmmmmmmm....pizzza...
Ugh Ryan.  He is so cute.  And so sexy.  Did I mention he can sing?  REALLY well.  And I can't sing... I bet he sang with his last gf.  See these are the thoughts that make girls go nuts. Just...chill.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I don't know

I don't know if Ryan actually likes me. i'm pretty sure he would like me a ton more if i was thin.  I know he would be head over heels for me.  But i'm always fucking eating too much.  I haven't been exercising.  I'm just lazy and fat and I don't want to be around anyone.  He's just so quiet around me.  I want to disappear for a while.  I don't want anyone to see me until I look perfect. I wish i had never met Ryan.  And I wish that Josh was the right one...because I know he loves me.  I feel lost.  I'm getting old... I need to find the right guy and be thin and have that honeymoon and settle down and have a child.  I'm just going in circles.