Weight: 153.5

how this happened... i don't know but i'm pleasantly surprised.  hiking this morning for sure

Weight: 155 Ibs

I need to stay on track.  Its difficult when I work 14 hours a day sometimes.. but I need to do this... I want to be a size 7 again!  I want guys to look at me and fall over themselves.  I want to wear nice cloths.. and i want to feel good about myself.  So ..

Breakfast:  cereal
Lunch:  bean and rice burrito (I went vegetarian)
Snack:  light string cheese and wheat thins
Dinner:  vegetables and "smart one" or "lean cuisine"
Snack:  100 calorie smart pop

fill up on fruits and veg

ok... go

I'm a mess. I broke up with Ryan.  I've been going all day eating about 300 calories and then binging at the end of the day.  THATS a way to get fat.  But at least I know i can go all day on so little food. So i just need to eat less at the end of the day also. What if i tried just 3 bites of food every ... 2 hours?  so like
8:00 3 bits
11:00 3 bites
2:00 3 bites
5:00 3 bites
8:00 3 bites
11:00 3 bites

at least then i feel like i'm eating a lot and it would keep my metabolism up. I'll try it tomorrow. so tired of being fat. guys treat me like shit.

Weight: 161

At least I didn't gain weight after my binges.  OK here we go.  New diet:

Breakfast:  low calorie cereal (such as special K).
Lunch:  salad
Snack:  half wheat bagel with margarine
Dinner:  whatever I can fit into my small red bowl

And...as many fruits/veg as I want.

Ryan slept over two days in a row.  We had a good time together... he's less quiet.  He says i'm easy to talk to.  And I really, really...really....like him...   He's a deputy btw.. so real handcuffs :)

me at wk. I love the lighting in their bathroom....

Weight: 161

back to the old 160s.  serves me right...i've been very bad for a long while. I'm surprised that number isn't higher.  Not anymore...I'm going to hold myself accountable on this blog.
So I think Ryan does like me...he certainly does show it.  He just doesn't talk a lot...but he said he feels comfortable with me without having to talk a lot.  I guess that's how he is.  It makes me feel more comfortable knowing i'm not being judged for not talking so much...because i'm quiet too.  He's lucky he's cute...tall... mature.. and other things... :)  And...Josh went on a date last night.  I haven't heard from him since...although it is only 7 AM.  If nothing else at least he is distracted.  I hope he finds someone. I know its quite a loss for me..but we continued to break up for a reason.  A great smile and fun personality ...and how he loves me...sometimes doesn't make up for the fact that I just can't respect him anymore.  That's a big one.

I'm not sure what to eat for breakfast.  All of the cereals we have have too many weight watchers points.  Eggs have no fiber and thus, lots of weight watchers points.  I just want food food...screw breakfast.  But still too many points.  Its hard to control my eating when I have work... not that I eat a lot at work but I definitely feel like eating everything in the house after work.  Just so tired and hungry.  Not sure what to do about that.  And FYI, I work at a bakery. But I don't eat the product...thank god I'm not a huge sweet fan.  If it was a pizza place i'd be fucked.  mmmmmmmm....pizzza...
Ugh Ryan.  He is so cute.  And so sexy.  Did I mention he can sing?  REALLY well.  And I can't sing... I bet he sang with his last gf.  See these are the thoughts that make girls go nuts. Just...chill.

I don't know

I don't know if Ryan actually likes me. i'm pretty sure he would like me a ton more if i was thin.  I know he would be head over heels for me.  But i'm always fucking eating too much.  I haven't been exercising.  I'm just lazy and fat and I don't want to be around anyone.  He's just so quiet around me.  I want to disappear for a while.  I don't want anyone to see me until I look perfect. I wish i had never met Ryan.  And I wish that Josh was the right one...because I know he loves me.  I feel lost.  I'm getting old... I need to find the right guy and be thin and have that honeymoon and settle down and have a child.  I'm just going in circles.

Weight: 158.5

Weight: 159

I know I haven't posted and i've been bad.  But at least I am out of the 60s.  It took me forever just to weigh myself, i've been so busy with finals.  I'm going to try and post more often to keep myself on the right path. oh And i met someone else... check it out... and he's absolutely perfect for me in every way. its absolutely incredible.  and hes crazy about me! (P.S.  not me in those photos)  another reason why i have been too busy to post!!

Weight: 160

Weight: 161

i'm getting out of the 160s this week.  before the 12th.  Watch me.

Weight: 162

Today I ate:
breakfast:  cereal
Lunch:  Salad
Snack:  half a bagel with margarine
Dinner:  vegetables and 6 fake chicken nuggets with honey
Fruits:  some of a mango, an apple, and a banana

weight: 162.5

weight not nearly as bad as i thought.  today I ate:

breakfast:  cereal
Lunch:  salad
Snack:  half bagel and margarine
Dinner:  personal pan pizza ...mmmm
dessert:  piece of chocolate that I wasn't supposed to have...damnit mom

ummm....next time....try not to do the chocolate and try to go for a healthier dinner lol

i ate dinner late cuz i was starving after work

today I ate:
breakfast:  2 ww waffles and margarine
lunch:  salad
snack:  half bagel and margarine + strawberries
Dinner:  6 fake chicken nuggets with honey.
also snacked on a slice of orange cheese and a few pretzels and a chocolate almond......and an apple


I didn't do so well i think i lack motivation.  I'm going to weigh in tomorrow.  please don't judge me i might be back where i started.  but i think posting my weight is the only thing that will keep me motivated to keep losing weight.

I think what I need to succeed is a diet that I can do and can look forward to.  something i can do for the rest of my life.  and i've been thin before and i know what i ate.  so this is what its gunna be:

breakfast:  any kind of healthy cereal and almond milk
Lunch:  salad with any kind of dressing I want
Snack:  one serving of something whole wheat, with lightly spread margarine
Dunner:  anything, as long as it is 1 serving

as many fruits and vegetables as I would like.  Okay to add some fat with vegetables (helps with digestion).  Drink lots of fluids, water, tea, fiber, etc.  move as much as I want.

It sounds like i'm giving in, but yo yo dieting doesn't work.  You eat nothing one day and too much the next.  it screws up your metabolism and makes you gain whenever you eat anything.  So I need to eat often, take in fewer calories than I need, but take in enough to control my hunger.  Also I need to be satisfied enough and not feel like i'm being deprived.  Thats why i can have whatever I want for dinner.  So this diet can work wherever I go.  plus, where can you eat that doesn't offer a salad??  so i think this is a good diet for me.  No more excuses.  Alcohol is out, and I've binged for long enough.  One day I won't miss it anymore.

Yesterday I turned on the shower and threw up a little. Mom discovered me doing it and of course she freaked out.  Its like shes been waiting for me to throw up and I finally did and of course she was there listening in.  Whatever... It didn't really work anyway.  I tried the salt water tactic.  Its just gross.  New Diet plan:

breakfast:  all bran cereal
Lunch:  salad
Snack:  whole wheat bagel half or other serving of whole wheat bread
Dinner:  little dinner

Eat a lot of fruits and vegetables.

Drinking is evil.  I want to be the thin girl in her flowy dress in her pretty garden...

inspiration

Yeah these girls... remember when that song "come on over...come on over baby..." god i wanted to look like christina agulara in that video.  

Weight: 162.5

just saying.

I cheated today.  I was so busy in the garden that I was starving... And I still had one frozen dinner left in the freezer that I knew mom wanted me to eat eventually.  It isn't vegan but needed to be gotten rid of.  That was the last one though.  And Josh and I are back together.  He is coming over tonight so we can work on our relationship.  I'll give him pasta with the rest of the alfredo sauce so mom doesn't make me eat it.  I need to grocery shop so that I can have more of a variety.
Today I ate:

breakfast:  cereal and almond milk
Lunch:  salad (mixed greens, cucumber, tomato, avocado, olive oil), and whole wheat pasta with vegetable margarine.
Dessert:  cantaloupe
Snack:  half of a wheat bagel with veg margarine.
Dinner:  6 fake chicken nuggets with honey
Late dinner:  lean cuisine

Ok

I haven't weighed myself, again.  I've been bad, but I have been Vegan.  Just a fat vegan.  Today I ate:

breakfast:  cereal and almond milk
Snack:  small amount of pretzels and a little honey (i'm weird)
Lunch:  Salad (mixed greens, tomato, cucumber, avocado, olive oil), whole wheat pasta and vegetable margarine.
Snack:  green olives, some pretzels.
Dinner:  steamed vegetables, 6 fake "chicken" nuggets and honey.
Snack:  banana

and... still hungry :/

I will weigh tomorrow.  I won't like it.  I'm probably 165.  I hope not.  fuck.

VEGAN

I'm not going to eat animal products anymore.  I've always wanted to go vegan but I would fail because id buy these replacement items...like fake cheese and shit...that tastes like crap.  I'm going to do just natural stuff...whole wheat pasta and good olive oils, whole grains, nuts and seeds, fruits and vegetables, beans and lentils, tea, and herbs.  I'll feel better and I can stop feeling like a hypocrite.  The way animals are treated on farms is not only inhumane, but very unhealthy.  My cholesterol is already high.  And I think I will lose weight this way too.  I'll be sure to pick up some vitamin B12 and B6.

Weight: 162.5

With everything i've been eating, i'm actually surprised i don't weigh more.  But I need to keep posting my weight, to keep me accountable.  My back can't take this weight anymore, I'm like a size D.  This new hot weather should keep me from getting so hungry...
My workouts have been good.  They are super hard; I even sweat once i'm out of the shower and my ears ring.  I have to move my cat out of the way sometimes when i'm working out.  She just likes to do what i' doing.  she even stretches out while i'm stretching and lays out while i'm sunbathing... :}

Time to study for stupid business law.

i AM PRETTY AND I CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE

This is what i'm going to eat every day:

Breakfast:  under 100 cal cereal plus 40 cal almond milk.

Lunch:  sandwhich= orowheat bread, 1/4 avocado, sprouts, 6 slices lean turkey meat, 2% milk American cheese slice.  with a side of a tomato and cucumber (when available).

Dessert:  chocolate almond

Snack:  half of a whole wheat bagel and margarine.

Dinner:  bowl of veggies with only seasonings + 1 cup of whole wheat pasta and spaghetti sauce OR a frozen healthy dinner (with nothing but parmesan cheese added).

                                                                          Dessert:  chocolate almond

                                                                           Snack:  1 apple + 2 cups of tea

Sounds like a lot, but for me, its not.  its enough to keep my metabolism going and to get down to my goal weight.  I just need to make it a habit so i stop thinking about what my next meal will be.

Goals

Short term:
1.  go over the books with my parents:  finances, medical, etc.
2.  Stop talking to Josh.
3.  Work for my aunt doing event planning.
4.  Quit drinking, forever.
5.  Do body rock workouts every day
6.  Graduate college (next month)

Medium term:  
1.  move into my own little place with a girl roommate.
2.  meet the man of my dreams
3.  make more girlfriends
4.  buy food from humane farms.
5.  create a new wardrobe full of cloths for my "summer" personal season (i'm ash hair with more pale skin).
6.  weigh 120 ibs
7.  get a tan.
8.  grow out my hair really long.

Long term:  
1.  Open my cake business.
2.  Buy a house, and make it so beautiful
3.  Have a baby
4.  get married
5.  visit Maldives

did the workout again this morning.  I'm in bad shape.  here's what I ate:

breakfast:  cereal
Lunch:  whole wheat pasta and fredo
dessert:  chocolate almond
Snack:  granola bar
Dinner:  frozen dinner and vegetables
dessert:  chocolate almond

not great. oh well. i'm depressed still. i wish i had the depression that kept me from eating. I have the opposite.

broke up with Josh. Ate everything all day.  I'll start the bodyrock when i'm ready.  I'm going to pretend like i'm not alive today.

Body Rock

I'm gunna do the 30 day Bodyrock challenge.  And it says January but obviously its not, i start today:

Day 1, week 1:  Jan 2:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/02/day-1-of-our-30-day-challenge-fit-test/

Day 2, week 1:  Jan 3:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=harhKlvKv-4&feature=related

Day 3, week 1:  Jan 4:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/04/day-3-of-the-30-day-challenge-international-love-workout/

Day 4, week 1:  Jan 5:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/05/day-4-of-our-30-day-challenge-wish-you-would-workout/

Day 5, week 1:  Jan 6:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/06/day-5-of-our-30-day-challenge-i-wont-give-up-workout/

Day 1, week 2:  Jan 9:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/09/week-2-day-one-of-our-30-day-challenge-turn-me-on/

Day 2, Week 2:  Jan 10:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/10/day-2-of-week-2-of-the-30-day-challenge-domino-workout/

Day 3, week 2:  Jan 11:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/11/day-3-week-2-of-the-30-day-challenge-wild-ones-workout/

Day 4, week 2:  Jan 12:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/12/day-4-week-2-of-the-30-day-challenge-bringing-sexy-back-workout/

Day 5, week 2:  Jan 13:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/13/day-5-week-2-of-the-30-day-challenge-blue/

Day 1, week 3:  Jan 16:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/16/day-1-week-3-fitness-test-2-seans-chest-and-triceps-workout/

Day 2, week 3:  Jan 17:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/18/day-2-week-3-of-the-30-day-challenge-hot-right-now-workout/

Day 3, week 3:  Jan 18:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/18/day-3-week-3-of-the-30-day-challenge/

Day 4, week 3:  Jan 19:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/19/day-4-week-3-of-the-30-day-challenge-breaking-dawn-workout/

Day 5, week 3:  Jan 20:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/20/day-5-week-3-of-the-30-day-challenge-the-fast-the-furious-800-rep-workout/

Day 1, week 4:  Jan 23:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/23/weel-4-day-1-of-the-30-challenge-rockstar-booty-workout/

Day 2, week 4:  Jan 24: http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/24/day-2-week-4-of-the-30-day-challenge-strip-the-fear-workout/

Day 3, Week 4: Jan 25:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/25/day-3-week-4-of-the-30-day-challenge-what-doesnt-kill-you-workout/

Day 4, week 4:  Jan 26:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/26/day-4-week-4-the-30-day-challenge-stronger-workout/

Day 5, week 4:  Jan 27:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2012/01/27/day-5-week-4-of-the-30-day-challenge-do-it-now-fit-test-workout/

my biggest problem is hunger.  Since i'm at such a high weight, i'm always so hungry... my body wants me to keep eating like a fat person.  I try to drink water, and take fiber, and tea...but my stomach can't be fooled so easily.  I guess I just need to trick myself by eating a little bit less each day.  Today I ate so much.  Tomorrow will be better.  Will just do weight watchers.  I want to find a good work out routine.  Something that literally tones every muscle in my body.  Something that I can see results with...

going to start over

Going to start my diet over.

Weight: IDK

I'm afraid to weigh myself.  I'm visiting Josh and yesterday I ate wayyyy too much.
I ate:

yogurt
granola bar
mini hot pocket
nachos!!!
half a box of pasta roni

yeah.  fuck the scale today lol but at least I'm with my boyfriend ...

Vegetarian Again?

I think i'm going to go vegetarian... I started yesterday but totally forgot about it when I ate that hot pocket lol.  When I was a vegetarian years ago I was pretty thin.  I think it will help.  Plus, i'm totally against factory farming... I would so be vegan if i wasn't such a lover of cheese.  I need to find out where I can purchase food from humane farms...

Weight: 160

Yesterday I ate:

Breakfast:  cereal
Snack:  granola bar
Lunch:  taco bell bean burrito (god it was delicious)
Dinner:  ummm... a scrap of josh's pizza crust?  lol

I'm starving today.  already had a yogurt, a granola bar, and a mini hot pocket.  and it isn't even noon yet...

Weight: 161

ughhhhhhh get me out of the 160s.....

I miss thin me :(

162.5

Last night I ate more than what i said...after i posted I ate a scrap of bread with margarine on it. then i ate some of an artichoke with a teaspoon of mayo.  Honestly, i think if I took a shit i'd weigh a lot less.  lol.  ok today is a weight watchers day for sure.

Update:

Today I ate:

Breakfast:  1 cup cereal and a tiny bit of almond milk = 1pt
Lunch:  whole wheat pasta and margarine= 4pt
Dessert:  chocolate almond = 1pt
Snack:  granola bar = 2pt
Dinner:  1 slice pizza = 7pt
And Then:  frozen "smart one" dinner = 5pt

Total = 20/20 pts

Thank you dad for offering me pizza.  that was a lot of points for barely anything to fill me up and keep me full. But it is my fault.  And i've been hungry all day.  Hungrier than I have been in weeks.  Maybe it is the shitty weather.  Maybe I was bored today.  I was going to work out a few times....but mom was sleeping so didn't want to make noise. then i got stuck watching family guy on tv.  excuses.  Well, hopefully tomorrow will be better.   Kinda doubt it though... I'm going to be in the car with my parents on the way to see Josh.  and we are stopping at a taco bell. and if i don't eat "enough" i know mom will have a fit.  It is just shitty being at this weight.  How/why did I let myself get here in the first place?

Weight: 162

Damnit, why must my weight always go up before it goes down???

Today I ate:

breakfast:  fiber granola bar
Lunch:  whole wheat pasta, a little bit of margarine and parmasan cheese
Dessert:  peppermint patty
Dinner:  5 fake chicken nuggets and cottage cheese
snack:  apple

exercise:  yoga.

mom thinks i'm on a starvation diet.  I'm just trying to lose as much weight as i can as fast as I can.  I'm tired of weighing so much.  I want to be thin again.  I want to fit into my old cloths... i'm tired of wearing my boyfriends sweater because I refuse to shop for larger sizes.  I'm really hungry right now.  Tomorrow I will skip dessert and eat a snack between lunch and dinner so i'm not so darn hungry at night.

Weight 161

Yay!! Happy Easter
Update:

breakfast/lunch:  fallafel from farmers market
Snack:  apple
Snack 2:  fiber bar
Dinner:  whole wheat pasta/cottage cheese with 2 slices bacon (yeah).
Dessert:  a peppermint patty i ate progressively throughout the day.

not the perfect day, but its easter.  could have been worse...

Be Patient

a groan of tedium escapes me startling the fearful.  Is this a test?  It has to be.  Otherwise I can't go on.  draining patience, draining vitality.

But i'm still, right here, giving blood, keeping faith.  and i'm still right here. wait it out.  Gonna wait it out.  be patient.  If there were no rewards to reap, no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path i've chosen here, i certainly would have walked away by now.  Gonna wait it out.

Today I ate:

Breakfast:  1 slice of sourdough bread with a little butter and 1 slice of bacon  5pt
Lunch:  whole wheat pasta with a tiny bit of margarine 3 pts
Snack:  fiber bar 2pts
Dinner:  veggies with some alfredo sauce 1 pt + frozen dinner 5pts
1 chocolate almond 1pt

Total:  17/20 pts

exercise:  walk

Weight: 163

Dear scale,
 you are supposed to show numbers getting lower, not higher.  you are fired.

Weight: 162.5

So in two weeks I have lost 5.5 Ibs.  That isn't great for the weight that I'm at.  But I'm happy to have lost that pound last night.  I hope to be out of the 60s soon.

UPDATE:
Went to work today from 11AM to 9:30 PM.

I ate:
Breakfast:  2 ww waffles with nothing on them
Lunch:  a little bit of whole wheat pasta with a tiny bit of margarine
Dinner:  frozen dinner
Snack:  4 fake chicken nuggets and cottage cheese

ate my snack kinda late (after i got off wk) so i might not lose weight tomorrow :(

weight: 163.5

I kicked the scale this morning i was so mad.  Fuckin A.  If it is so hard to lose weight at this weight then how hard will it be when i'm at a lower weight??? FINE i'll do weight watchers.  So pissed off.

UPDATE:
today i ate:

breakfast:  cherrios (2pt) + a little almond milk (0pt)
Lunch:  whole wheat pasta (3pt) + margarine (1pt) + a small slice of sourdough bread (2 pt)
Dessert:  1 chocolate almond (1 pt)
Snack:  fiber bar (2pt)
Snack 2:  whole wheat bread slice + margarine (2pt)
Dinner:  vegetables with a little alfredo sauce (1pt) + frozen dinner (5pt)

Total points:  19 out of 20

Exercise:  walk

Weight: 164

If counting calories doesn't lose me a pound by tomorrow morning then i'm going to try weight watchers.

Update: what i ate

breakfast:  2 whole wheat eggo waffles and no sugar added preserves
Lunch:  whole wheat pasta and cottage cheese
Dessert:  1 chocolate almond
Dinner:  6 fake chicken nuggets with honey
snack 1:  small apple
snack 2:  200 calorie popcorn + 1 chocolate almond

exercise:  yoga and walk

Didn't Weigh

didn't weigh myself this morning cuz i started my period.  And I ate bad today.
Breakfast:  2 waffles and preserves
Lunch:  baked tortilla chips and swiss cheese...meleted on the chips...yes nachos
Snack:  apple
Snack 2:  half bagel and margarine
Dinner: 4 fake chicken nuggets and cottage cheese
Dessert:  2 chocolate almonds
Snack:  popcorn.

ate a lot cuz we spent like 3 and a half hours doing some heavy yard work.  I hope i don't gain weight cuz of all i ate tho....

Ok tomorrow. For sure.  Going to count calories on my ipod.

Weight: 164.5

Today I ate:
Breakfast:  2 waffles and preserves
Lunch:  small bowl of whole wheat pasta with a little margarine.
Dessert:  1 chocolate almond
Snack:  half a bagel and margarine
Dinner:  1 pork chop on mashed potatoes and some gravy.  Not a big portion.
Snack:  1 small apple
Snack 2:  small bowl of cheerios cereal

I think i did pretty good.  I had the snacks at night cuz i ate my dinner at like 5:20 ish. which is pretty early.

Weight: 165

Fuck. So gained half a pound.  Which means I need to get on track... today I counted calories using "lose it" app on ipod.  Today I ate 1373 cal, minus a 45 minute fast walk, so net of 1208 cal.

Breakfast:  Whole grain waffles with 1/2 serving preserves = 187 + 25 cal

Lunch:  bowl full of whole wheat egg noodles with 1 tbsp margarine = 400 + 50 cal

Dessert:  strawberries = 53 cal

Snack:  Half a bagel with margarine = 130 + 25 cal

Dinner:  Kashi frozen dinner + 1/3 serving cottage cheese = 290 cal + 40 cal

Dessert:  1 chocolate almond = 18 cal

(Took a 45 minute fast walk)

Snack:  whole grain chips (the scraps):  80 cal

Snack 2:  tea and light whipped cream = 75 cal

Tomorrow might be difficult because my class starts at my dinner time (6:30).  So I need to eat a light dinner sooner and then have a snack after class...

I wish my weight loss would come faster... I thought that just not binging every day would cause me to lose massive amounts of weight quickly.  I guess not. But at least my appetite isn't totally out of control anymore.

yay 164.5.  Can't wait to be out of the 60s!
Update:
Today I ate:

breakfast:  2 waffles with preserves
Lunch:  nachos bell grande from taco bell
Dinner:  bowl of vegetables + little bit of alfredo sauce
-bowl of whole wheat egg noodles with cottage cheese
Dessert:  strawberries and light whipped cream

Did a 3 mile work out video kinda thing.

so yeah not exactly what I was going for. Was out shopping with mom and she had to go to some places during my feeding time....and i was soooo hungry.  So nachos.  the workout was difficult...just cuz i haven't worked out in a while.

Weight:  165.5
Didn't lose weight and i'm assuming its cuz i haven't pooped.
Breakfast:  cherrios (plain) and almond milk
Lunch:  lean cuisine
Dinner:  whole wheat egg noodles with cottage cheese
dessert:  1 chocolate almond
Snack:  half of a mango
Snack 2:  half of a bagel with margarine

Ate dinner at 5:30ish and didn't have a snack in between so had the snack later.  I totally forgot about the spinach salad idea.  I'm going to try to work out tomorrow...get my metabolism working. Although it won't help to make me less hungry.  Here's what i'm gunna try for tomorrow:

Breakfast:  2 waffles and preserves

Lunch:  whole wheat noodles with margarine and a spinach salad

Dessert:  strawberries

Do a work out video...

Snack:  1 bagel and margarine

Go for a 45 min walk or hike

Dinner:  4 chicken nuggets with cottage cheese and honey

Snack:  half a mango

today's weight:  165.5, again :(
I guess I can't expect to lose a pound every day.  Today I ate too much:

Breakfast:  2 whole wheat eggo waffles with tiny bit of strawberry preserves
Lunch:  whole wheat egg noodles with half tablespoon of margarine and garlic salt
Snack:  some baby carrots
Snack 2:  blueberry bagel with margarine
Dinner:  6 fake chicken nuggets with honey and 1/4 cup of cottage cheese
Nibbled on:  some baked chips, a few grapes...
Dessert:  1 chocolate almond

Thinking I will try this tomorrow:

Breakfast:  cherrioes cereal and almond milk
Lunch:  Lean cuisine
Snack:  half of a bagel and margarine
Dinner:  whole wheat egg noodles with margarine + spinach salad
Snack:  apple

Didn't work out. just went to work

Weight this morning:  165.5

I was too tired to write what I ate yesterday.  I ate more today but I hope that doesn't mean I don't lose another pound tomorrow.... i was hungry!  

breakfast:  2 whole wheat eggo waffles + strawberry preserves

Lunch:  bowl of my whole wheat pasta

Dessert:  1 chocolate almond

Snack:  whole wheat raisin bagel with laughing cow cheese

Dinner:  4 vegetarian chicken nuggets, a little bit of honey, and 1/2 cup cottage cheese

Snack:  whole grain chips and fresh salsa

I'm still hungry... 

Weight this morning:  166.5
Last night I was starving and I could hardly sleep.  Tonight i'm just going to take a damn sleeping pill and be done with it.  I also did squats last night...of all sorts.  I'm going to do that every night from now on.  I can't wait to be out of the 60s.  Hopefully i'll be out of 60s by early next month.

Get My Ass Off the Bed day

So this morning I weighed 167.5 Ibs.  Unacceptable!  Considering I was starving last night and could hardly sleep, but fought the urge to get up and get a snack.  Given, I don't know how much I weighed the day before....I mean I know I ate a lot the day before.  So maybe I did lose weight. And I am aware that I shouldn't weight myself every day, but I do know from experience that cutting your calories this early in weight loss should have a dramatic effect.  I thought I felt a lot thinner this morning though.  But anyhow, i'm going to listen to the advice of everyone, and start moving.  So for every 3 hours I spend on the computer, (and I will be on the computer for a long time to write my research paper), I will spend 1 hour moving.  Deal?  Deal.  Because it is true, i've been very sedentary.  Not good for me or my bottom.

Update:  So today I was hungrier than I was yesterday.  I ate:

breakfast:  2 whole wheat eggo waffles with 1/2 tbsp strawberry preserves
Lunch:  bowl of my whole wheat pasta and sauce
Dessert:  half a banana and light whipped cream
Snack:  whole wheat bagel and strawberry preserves
Dinner:  lean cuisine and about 1/4 cup cottage cheese, plus a bowl of cooked veggies with some artichoke dip.
Dessert:  1 chocolate almond
Snack:  1 small apple

I didn't work out as much as I should.  I basically "moved" for an hour....on the elliptical and walking.  Well, its a start.  And I need to finish my paper.
And of course its 10:15 pm and i'm hungry.. :(

I didn't weigh myself this morning, I was kind of afraid to. But I think I did reasonably well on my diet today.  I wasn't counting calories or doing weight watchers or anything.
Breakfast:  slept in
Lunch:  bowl of whole wheat egg noodles and sauce i made out of vegetables and light alfredo sauce
dessert:  strawberries and splenda
Snack:  granola bar
Snack2:  won ton soup
Dinner:  4 "chicken" (not real chicken) nuggets and about 1/2 cup cottage cheese
snack:  small apple

didn't work out.  Been working on homework...
I'm hungry..

Hi there,
I'm creating this blog in an attempt and keep myself on track with losing weight.  I'm 25 years old, 5'7 and I weigh 168 Ibs.  About two years ago, I was at 120.

I was kind of a chubby kid.  My comfort foods (what I ate about every day) from elementary up until 7th grade consisted mainly of nachos, pizza, cream of chicken/mushroom soup, grilled cheese sandwiches, mac and cheese, chicken mc nuggets, kid cuisines (with either the pizza or nuggets), and taco bell.  My mom would fix me an apple on the side, because she wanted to give me what I wanted but she thought I needed some fiber in my diet.

I wasn't too active, I would go swimming in the ocean a lot when I visited my grandparents in San Diego during the summers, and I was on a few swim teams (I would eat nachos before swim practice).  Other than that, though, I never wanted to hike or even take walks (I was the "lazy" one among my friends).

LEFT:  Me eating cream of chicken soup.  RIGHT:  Eatn a grilled cheese sandwich and more of that soup.

By the time I was in 7th grade, my weight...as well as other odd things about the way I looked... was beginning to become a social issue (it got so bad that I ended up being home-schooled).  My highest weight at this point was 145.  That might not sound too bad, but I tend to put a lot of weight on in my face, which makes me look fatter than I actually am.

Someone gave me a drug, called Dexedrine, to help me get going on losing weight, and to improve my self esteem.  My appetite was much different then, i don't know if it was due to this drug or just because I had never dieted before.  I was able to eat less.  I started to do this kick boxing video, called "kick butt."

 I went to San Diego that summer, and i know that i was about 140 Ibs at this point.  Grandma took me to Albersons grocery store and we talked to the lady there about what she recommended for weight loss.  We ended up buying a protein powder and flax seed oil.  She also must have mentioned potatoes, because Grandma turned to me and said that we can put a little butter or sour cream to make them taste better, and the lady working there said that "it is not about taste, its about nutrition."  Grandma did not agree with that statement.  But anyway...

I would eat cream of wheat with non fat milk for breakfast and some sweetener.  For lunch I had the protein shake that I had gotten ingredients for at the store:  frozen bananas, soy protein powder, flax seed oil, non fat milk, vanilla, and sweeteners.  I drank this just about every day for lunch that summer. And i would have "a little dinner."  Not to mention I went swimming in the ocean every day after lunch.  These days, if I tried to do that diet I think i would die of starvation....or just go crazy and eat everything in sight when i realized i will fail that diet.  But somehow I was able to do that back then.  I came back to school, 8th grade, after having lost 20 Ibs.  my friend from swimming said "look at you!  you went from this *wide arm gesture* to this! *vary narrow arm gesture.*  Everyone treated me differently. Even the hot girls came up to talk to me.  I felt so popular.

Left:  me in 8th grade

















In high school my weight fluctuated a little, but not that much.  I was about 127 for a very long time (which is why 27 is my favorite number now).
LEFT pic:  freshman year of high school.  Right pic:  Softmore year of high school

Junior year I met the love of my life, Josh, but our relationship as friends was very complicated.  I think I went into depression and got a little heavier.  He left my life that same year and I fell into a deep depression over the summer, as well as Senior year.  I fell into books, art, science, and the meaning of life during that time.  I became a strict vegetarian (for moral, not health reasons).   I got pretty skinny during that year, probably the thinnest I had ever been till that point.  I don't recall what I weighed, or what I ate.  I think It was a combination of being vegetarian and dating this guy, Zach, who would criticize my looks all the time.

Left:  beginning of junior Year.  Right:  end of Junior year.  Bottom:  beginning of senior year

Next two pics:  taken at the end of Senior Year

   

Pix taken later on...

So I'm dating Zach and I'm finally in college.  Unfortunately, Josh is still on my mind.  One night, while we were watching a movie, Josh calls me.  I recall going pee like over and over again (nerves).  I had never felt so many butterflys.

I ditched Zach, met up with Josh, and we shared our true love kiss.  After that, i couldn't eat anything for days.  my arms had goosebumps, I was just in love.  I got really skinny, down to about 112 or 115.  My parents tried to talk to me about how they thought i was anorexic (mom was anorexic when she was younger).

Again, Josh and I weren't working out, and I ended up finding someone else (lets call him "E").  I got into drinking and I gained some weight back, but not a lot. I was a vegetarian for 2 years, until I met another boyfriend, (lets call him "N") who i smoked a lot of pot with.  I became lazy, and very fat.  My weight shot up to 165 Ibs, the most I had ever weighed.  I was no longer a vegetarian; I just didn't care about that stuff anymore.  Then I dated someone else (lets call him "R"), who treated me terribly.

Pics later on with "E" after Josh and I parted ways:

              Next pics:  Starting to gain weight, with "N"

Next pics:  165 Ibs, with "R"

When I was in san diego, I decided it was time to make a change again.  My Grandma gave me some of my Aunt's weight watchers material.  I lost about a pound a day for a good amount of time. It took about 6 months before I got down to 120.  Here's what I ate:
breakfast:  oatmeal and fat free milk
Lunch:  whole wheat pasta, with spinach and marinara sauce
Dessert:  sliced strawberries with light whipped cream (which later turned into strawberries with lemon juice and splenda).
Snack:  100 cal smart pop.
Dinner:  frozen dinner like Lean cuisine or Smart Ones and a vegetable
Dessert: more strawberries
for exercise I would hike for an hour.

bottom two pics:  120 Ibs with Josh



Also, when I finally reached 120, I had been in a relationship with Josh for about 4 months.
NOW here is the turning point, at which I have still not recovered.  about 2 years ago, Josh had to move away to live with his parents in Atascadero (about 2 and a half hours away).  I decided that since he is going, that we should eat out a lot, and i could just do my diet when he left.  So I pigged out for about 2 weeks before he had to go.  I don't know why, I guess I loved it so much that instead of going back to my diet that I had worked so hard to achieve, I continued to eat too much.  My weight just went up and up.  I would try going back to dieting, but whenever I drank...i would get really hungry and/or starving the next day. So i would screw up my diet.  And I would go out and drink all the time.  So its like every week for 2 years i've been dieting and screwing it up.  I tried adkins, weight watchers, vegan, counting calories, etc.
What I've found is that I can't lose weight if i keep drinking.  And I can't stop drinking if i keep going out...i'm definitely a social alcoholic.

Today I weigh 168.  My highest weight has been 170.

Now Josh and I are planning a wedding in September of 2013.  That gives me plenty of time to look good in my wedding dress; but, since Ive been dieting and failing for 2 years, I think it is suitable that i should be feeling discouraged.  

So here is my blog.  Wish me luck :)  xoxo